Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Friday, December 18, 2009

5 Ways to Become Unbored at Work

I'm fortunate. I do not take things for granted. Having said that, I'm going to take the fact that I have a great job for granted. There are many points during my day in which boredom over comes me. Ask anybody (don't ask anybody), and they will tell you that coping with boredom is a very important part of a productive work day.

It's been researched by (insert reputable research team here) and they have proven that people who take regular breaks from work by going on facebook or twitter throughout the day get more work done. It's true. Look it up.

Following this logic, I am the most productive employee at The Tonight Show with my vaultmate in a close second. Therefore, I've decided to give you all a list of five things to do at work so you can be as productive as I.

FIVE WAYS TO BECOME UNBORED AT WORK

5. Pandora - www.pandora.com

For those of you who do not know, pandora is an internet radio station that generates playlists based on a song or artist of your choice. It's fantastic. You type in an amazing song (i.e. Billy Joel's Scene's from an Italian Restaurant) and BAM! A playlist featuring other songs from artists like Billy Joel (including a hefty dose of more Billy Joel). To put this in terms that Billy Joel would understand: It's like ordering a Rum and Coke from a bartender and having him follow that up with a 7&7 followed by a Long Island Iced Tea and so on, until you're red in the nose and bald. In either instance by the time you're done with this service, you'll find yourself wondering where the time has gone and if you can hold onto your pride and your adult diapers at the same time.

4. College Humor - www.collegehumor.com

I know I'm not in college any more, but this site still holds a warm place in my heart. Instead of looking at it's pictures with a wide eyed sense of "will I ever get to that place," I now look at down my nose wondering if children will ever learn. And yes, they will learn. They will learn that one day they will grow up and learn how to use household tools. And that duct tape is not a suitable way to attach a funnel to a hose (a steel clamp works much better).

Either way, this collection of well produced (usually) hilarious videos and sophomoric (brilliant) pictures will have you giggling throughout your work day. And also there are pictures of boobs. I don't care who you are. gay or straight, everyone appreciates a nice pair of eye magnets.

3. USA today crossword - Google: USA today Crossword (I can't do all the work for you)

Now I know what you're saying: "Ross, I'm not much of an intellectual, how will this occupy my time?" Well, clearly you're not an intellectual, otherwise you would know how this could keep you busy. But I am here to clear this up for you (you're welcome). Not only is a crossword a great way to keep sharp in your old age (anything over 25) but it makes people passing by your computer think you are smart. I don't care if you are googling every answer in there or even fitting different dirty words into the number of spaces you have available, anyone who passes by someone doing a crossword thinks "Man, that person is smarter than me. I should give them money." So if you want your coworkers to give you money. Do the crossword. Three down is Banana.

2. Clicker - www.clicker.com

This is actually something that some of you might find useful if you don't know about it already. Clicker is an awesome website that will guide you to anywhere on the Ultranet to find full episodes streaming of your favorite TV shows. 100% legal, 100% awesome. As someone who works in television and claims that watching television is part of his job description (if I'm slouched down in my chair watching How I Met Your Mother I'm on the clock and shouldn't be bothered) this site has been a great resource. Not only does it point you to network shows, but also popular web series that old people (again, anyone over 25) might not be cool enough to know about. Jump around on that for an hour or so. Pretend you're a Mormon and it's a trampoline (Fun Fact: Mormons love trampolines).

2b. "ThatLooks Like" YouTube Channel - http://www.youtube.com/user/thatlookslike

This won't occupy you long enough to make it its own number on the list, however it is worth a minute or two of your time. This is something I use for actual work whenever we get a celebrity guest on the show and I might want to throw in some of their earliest work. This channel has a bunch of celebrities' earliest appearances on television and in movies. Each of them more embarrassing than the next. My favorite so far: Jack Black as an over eager son of a religious woman. If you've ever wondered what a prep school student on Cocaine looked like, you should definitely check it out.



1. Island Paradise - www.facebook.com/islandparadise

This game kills me. I didn't want to get into it. In fact, I only did it as a favor to a friend so he could get more points and get a bigger island, but it's turned into a very relaxing way to relax on a deserted island by myself, all without leaving the office. Some things that bug me about the game are the plot holes. you start out on an island with half of a row boat and a tree on your beach, yet somehow, you're able to use gold to buy seeds for plants as well as trees and animals. Where the hell did the seeds come from? And also, if you were stranded on an island with half a rowboat, wouldn't you immediately use the tree to repair the wood in the rowboat and find civilization? Either way, it's fucking addicting. You know what? Forget I said anything, just stick with 5-2b.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Proof is in the Punchline

APPARENTLY, everyone has had this similar revelation. This, "Now's the time!" attitude has caught wildfire amongst all of the graduating class of 2009. I want to take this opportunity to say: back off. Okay? This was my revelation. You can't have it.

I'm going to claim this motivation as my own by illustrating before you now a sketch. That I will write straight into my blog. Feel free to film your version of it and post a link to it in the comments.

Character List
Craig
Dale

Craig approaches Dale's desk holding some papers

Craig: Hey Dale, here's the Yamamoto report.

Dale: Great. Thank you.

Craig: No problem.

Craig starts to walk away.

Dale: Wait, Craig. This isn't the Yamomoto report.

Craig: It's not?

Dale: No. (reading from the page) "Dearest Dale, I've been watching you from afar for a while now-"

Craig: Yeah, that's the Yamomoto report.

Dale: I don't think so (reading more) "often times I picture you and I together in the bahamas"

Craig: Yeah, like buddies-

Dale: "licking whipped cream off of each others' sandy bodies-" It says nothing in here about Yamomoto.

Craig: You sure? Check the next page.

Dale: "-find myself drawing blood just to make sure I can still feel-" Yeah, this is definitely not the report. It seems like this is a love letter you've written to me. Frankly Craig, I'm disturbed

Craig: That's ridiculous. Look at the graphs.

Dale: (flipping pages) These aren't graphs, they're just pictures you drew of you and I engaging in gratuitous sex acts.

Craig: No, that line right there illustrates the increase in profits from the account last year.

Dale: You drew an arrow toward it and labeled it "time spent crying alone"

Craig: Dale, do you have any idea how ridiculous this sounds. Why would I hand you a "letter" that I "wrote to you" about our "overwhelming love" that implies that I would "end both our lives" if you didn't "reciprocate immediately by "winking twice"?

Craig waits.

Craig: Was that a wink?-

Dale: No it was not a wink! And Craig, that part about the winking isn't even in here.

Craig: It's not?

Dale: No, it's not.

Craig: Oh.

Beat

Craig: Here's the Peterson Report.

END

So your assignment is to film this and post it online. My only request is that you put a link to my blog in your sidebar issuing the challenge to other users on the interwebs.

HAPPY FILMING!

~Ross